And Then There's This...My Own Valentine's Day Massacre

Although Cupid and I have occasionally crossed paths on Spring Break (and once or twice at Winter Solstice), I am but an avid amateur in the amorous arts. The anatomizing of love — the delicate prodding and prying into that gossamer snowflake — is a task I leave to experts, by which I mean the creators of popular songs. It is they who put that emotion under a microscope and, after Herculean deliberation, then declare, “Here is the essence of love.”

So as Valentine's Day creeps toward us like a leopard stalking its prey, I turn to some of our most cherished songs to see what they reveal. “Love Is A Rose,” croons Linda Ronstadt, thus bringing to mind a rush of vivid hues and floral fragrances. Not so counters Buck Owens in “Love Is A Warm Cowboy,” thereby suggesting a scent more corral than Chanel.

A note of cynicism (some might say realism) enters into the discussion via Pat Benatar's “Love Is A Battlefield.” Larry Gatlin is a trifle less stark with his assessment that “Love Is Just A Game.” There's probably no way for REO Speedwagon and Dolly Parton to arrive at a common analysis on the matter, however, with the former insisting “Love Is A Rock” and the latter concluding that “Love Is Like A Butterfly.”

Barbara Mandrell disdains sentimentality in “Love Is Fair” (“it breaks everybody's heart”) and the equally no-nonsense “Love Is Thin Ice” (“so you'd better learn how to swim”). Joan Baez matches Mandrell's toughness in “Love Is Just A Four-Letter Word” (some might say there's an extra letter here). While we're dealing in numbers, we must give a nod to Dottsy, who sings “Love Is A Two-Way Street.”

From the School of Bitter Experience comes American Young's “Love Is War,” Bobby Lewis' “Love Is An Overload,” Roxy Music's “Love Is The Drug,” Cee Cee Chapman's “Love Is A Liar” and Mickey and Sylvia's “Love Is Strange.”

Homebody Loretta Lynn will have none of the foregoing pessimism, proclaiming with certainty that “Love Is The Foundation.”

You see where this is all going? We have more competing experts on what is true than you find in a murder trial.

If you gratify with Spotify, you might also want to peruse the following lyrical biopsies:

“Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing” (The Four Aces)

“Love Is A House” (Force M.D.'s)

“Love Is A Killer” (Vixen)

“Love Is A Golden Ring” (Frankie Laine)

“Love Is A Stranger” (Eurythmics)

“Love Is A Hard Road” (Irene Kelley)

“Love Is Your Name” (Steven Tyler)

“Love Is Hours In The Making” (Sterling Whipple)

“Love Is Not A Thing” (Russ Taff)

“Love Is The Right Place” (Bryan White)

As for me, I've not written any love songs, but I'm working on a couple of ideas: "Love Is Non-Deductible” and “Love Is A Last Minute Column.”

(Please send your comments or questions to stormcoast@mindspring.com with “And Then There's This” in the subject line. And thanks for reading.)